The Legend, The Myth, The Man
In all the ages that men have sailed upon the great oceans of this world — from the fog-choked waters of the northern seas to the sun-scorched brine of the tropics — there hath never arisen a captain of such magnificent, breathtaking, almost cosmically improbable greatness as Captain Jeremia.
His presence alone is said to calm storms. His gaze hath made sea monsters reconsider their life choices. His navigational skills are legendary — in the sense that people tell stories about them around fires for warmth and comfort, the way one might tell stories about a dragon: impressive, terrifying, and almost certainly ending in catastrophe.
No captain hath ever commanded a vessel with such authority. No captain hath ever lost more of them.
"He sails where no man dares. Mostly because no man would be that foolish."
— Harbour Master Björn of Göteborg, 1687
Ode to the Captain Who Sinketh
~ ~ ~
I. The Maiden Voyage
Oh Jeremia, bold and brave,
Who set to sea to find his grave —
He charted courses none had dared,
And hit the rocks for which he'd cared
Not at all, not even slightly,
He gripped the wheel so very tightly
As the hull gave way beneath,
He cried:
"This counts! I'm a wreath
Upon the ocean's mighty brow!"
The fishes were unimpressed, somehow.
— Anonymous, found floating off the coast, 1689
The Ballad of the Bottomward Bound
~ ~ ~
II. A Sea Shanty (Do Not Sing Near Water)
What do we do with a sunken captain?
What do we do with a sunken captain?
What do we do with a sunken captain?
Early in the morning!
Way hey and down he goes,
Way hey and down he goes,
Way hey and down he goes,
He did it again this morning!
He sailed straight into a harbour wall,
Sailed straight into a harbour wall,
Sailed straight into a harbour wall,
He wasn't even near the ocean!
The kraken saw him and swam away,
The kraken saw him and swam away,
The kraken saw him and swam away,
Even monsters have their limits!
Way hey and down he goes,
Way hey and down he goes,
Way hey and down he goes,
The greatest captain of the ages! 🦑
— Traditional. Origin disputed. Most sailors deny it.
Testimonials from the Seven Seas
"I served under Captain Jeremia for three voyages. I am writing this from the bottom of the sea. The ink is getting wet."
— First Mate Olsson, undated
"He called himself the Master of Navigation. I watched him sail into a lighthouse. On a clear day. He called it 'aggressive docking.'"
— Port Inspector, Lisbon, 1692
"Captain Jeremia told me the ship was unsinkable. He was very convincing. I should have asked why he was already wearing a life vest."
— Anonymous crew member, now a fisherman (inland)
"He is undeniably the greatest captain on the seven seas. Primarily because none of the other seas will have him."
— Admiral Svensson, Swedish Royal Navy
"His ship's log contained only one entry: 'Day 1. All well.' The rest was water damage."
— Recovered from the seabed, 1693
"A sea monster once mistook his ship for a threat and fled. Jeremia considers this his greatest naval victory."
— First Mate Lindqvist, who was there
"The insurance company that covered his first vessel no longer exists. Neither does his second vessel. Or his third."
— Bureau of Maritime Finance, 1698
"He claims he has never been lost at sea. The sea, however, has filed a missing persons report."
— Harbour Authority, Lisbon
"He discovered a new trade route. It goes straight down."
— Cartographer Björnsson, very tired
"He arrived two days late to his own shipwreck. Even the wreckage was surprised."
— Eyewitness report, 1695
"The mermaids have a term for ships captained by Jeremia. It translates loosely as 'a gift.'"
— Maritime folklore, origin unknown
"Historians have described him as 'a cautionary tale with a hat.' He considers this a compliment."
— Encyclopedia of Naval Disasters, Vol. 3
His Most Devoted Admirers
These men have sailed with him. They survived. They would do it again.
"I have followed the Captain on six voyages. I have swum home from all six. I would do it again without hesitation, and in fact I am currently planning to."
"He told me the ship was 'mostly waterproof.' This was technically true. The part that was waterproof was the wheel. He kept it as a souvenir."
"Some captains inspire loyalty through strength and wisdom. Jeremia inspires it through the fact that he still owes me fourteen coins and I need to follow him until he surfaces."
"Jeremia is the only captain I respect. Every other admiral I know has never sunk a single ship. Cowards, all of them."
"People say he has poor judgement at sea. I say he has bold judgement at sea. There is a difference. I have it written down somewhere. The paper is also at the bottom of the sea."
"I once watched him sail directly into a storm that every other captain was fleeing. He emerged three days later wearing a different hat and absolutely refusing to discuss it. That is leadership."
"My father sailed with legends. My grandfather fought sea serpents bare-handed. I sailed with Jeremia. We do not compare these things in my family."
"He asked me once if I feared death. I told him I feared nothing. He nodded and sailed us directly into a sandbar. I respect him enormously and also from a distance."
"The Captain once described me as 'the most capable person aboard.' The ship sank four hours later. I choose to focus on the compliment."
"I've always said a great captain needs something to grab onto in rough weather. Jeremia agrees entirely, though we have never quite agreed on what."
"He once told me I had 'an excellent pair.' He was referring to my navigational instruments. I was not. We moved on."
"They say I am buoyant by nature. Jeremia says I am the reason the ship's balance was always off. I maintain these are both compliments."
"I joined to document history. I have documented fourteen sinkings, three impromptu swims, and one incident involving a pelican that we have all agreed never to speak of."
"He is, without question, the greatest captain I have ever personally watched sail into a harbour wall. And I have watched it three times. From the same harbour."
"I asked him once what his greatest strength was. He said 'the sea always brings me back.' This is technically true. The sea does keep returning him. The sea looks tired."
"I have sailed every ocean with the Captain. I have also claimed every ocean with the Captain. The Captain has never once questioned why the sea is slightly warmer on my side of the ship."
"They say the ocean is infinite. I have always considered this a personal challenge, and I am making progress."
"Cartographers have noted an unusual yellow current in the waters where we sail. Jeremia believes it is a sign from the gods. I have not corrected him."
"Before every voyage I have said, clearly and loudly, that something seems wrong. I have been correct every time. I have a 100% accuracy rate. I am also very tired."
"I once pointed out that the ship had a hole in it before we departed. The Captain said it was 'character.' We sank before noon. The hole had character."
"I am not a pessimist. I am a realist. There is a difference, and I have explained it to the crew fourteen times, always from the water, always while swimming home."
Final Elegy
~ ~ ~
III. Jeremia, at Rest (For Now)
Here lies the Captain, brave and true,
Beneath the waves of darkest blue —
He sank himself not once but thrice,
Which maritime law says doesn't count as nice.
He charted stars that weren't there,
He steered by feel and mostly flair,
The compass wept, the sextant sighed,
The barnacles along for the ride.
Yet legend holds — and this is fact —
No captain kept his crew more intact
(They always swam ashore, you see,
Before the ship went down at sea).
So raise a glass to Jeremia great,
Who met the ocean as his fate,
Who conquered every wave and swell
By joining them. He did it well.
— Carved into driftwood, found repeatedly on various shores